Wisdom From Jimmy John’s

1. Never under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in a single word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be”meetings”.
3. There is a very fine line between a “hobby” and “mental illness”.
4. People who want to share their religious view with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. Do not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can not dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a knife
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anyone who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we continue to observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that remotely suggests that you believe she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is at age eleven (11).
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe we are better than average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person (this is VERY important, PAY ATTENTION, it never fails).
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Final thought of the day: men are like fine wine… they start out as grapes, and it is up to the women to stomp the snot out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

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Fun with your wife


 

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-mart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a “Code 3.”

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department, to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” EMT’s were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme song.

12. October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked, “Where is the fitting room?”

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.” One of the clerks passed out.

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Laugh a little – Live a little longer

 

TBN Staff:   We came across this Joke  and just had to share.  Followed by the article, should cause all of us to reconsider our approach to the daily grind or routine.   After all it is about the quality and length of our lives!

A bald, retired Army helicopter pilot walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The pilot said, ‘No, I’d like to see something bigger and more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000’ the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.The crusty old pilot seeing the huge rock said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the pilot stated, ‘Well, by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the pilot and said, ‘Hey buddy, there was only $25 in your account!’

‘I know’, said the old pilot, ‘But, let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!!!!

(Yeah, that could have been you)

 

By Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.

Therapeutic Humor, The Newsletter of the American Association for Therapeutic Humor, Fall, 1998, Vol. XII, 5, p. 1-2. DATELINE: Year 2010

The Health Benefits of Humor Unfold – Humor Reduces the Risk of Heart Disease

After years of controversy about the physiological benefits of humor in one’s lifestyle, researchers have concluded that incorporating humor into one’s day to day responses to events reduces the risk of heart disease, heart attack, and premature death.

Based on research conducted during a ten year period from the year 2000 through 2010, it has been established that individuals who employ humor as a “serious” part of their everyday lives have fewer physical complaints (associated with heart disease), less arterial blockage, fewer angioplasties, fewer heart attacks, and greater longevity when compared to subjects who exhibited a depressive, anxious, or angry lifestyle. It appears that the experience of “pleasant” or mirthful emotions counteracts the deleterious, long-term physical effects of distressing emotions.
Measuring the Humorous Experience

Humorous lifestyle was measured as a person’s ability to receive humor as a cognitive, emotional, and/or physiological experience.

The cognitive component of the humor experience consisted of integrating a “comic vision” into one’s perception of the world. Use of humor to gain perspective, break rigid thinking patterns, and expand life’s options was evaluated. One’s ability to understand and appreciate humor (sometimes referred to as the “experience of wit”) was also explored as part of this cognitive aspect of the humor experience.

Researchers also rated the emotional component of a humorous lifestyle (sometimes referred to as “mirth”). The extent to which humor “lifts one’s spirits” and is felt as joy or pleasure was considered an indicator of this emotional experience.

The physiological component of humor was evaluated as the ability to laugh at life’s encounters. The depth of laughter from a giggle to a belly laugh was rated to assess an individual’s physiological reaction to daily events.

These cognitive, emotional, and/or physiological experiences were measured as indictors of one’s humor quotient. Individuals who were able to generate these kinds of humor reactions to life’s stressors were those individuals who achieved the physiological benefits of reduced heart disease.
Research on Emotions and Health

To fully understand the context of this recent study, we must consider the research reported in the mid-1990’s that demonstrated a significant relationship between chronic depression, anxiety, anger, and/or stress and heart disease (Consumer Reports on Health 1996a, 1996b, 1997a, 1997b, 1997c, 1998; Mind/Body Health, 1996a, 1996c, 1997; Hope Health Letter, 1998).

Studies published from 1996 to 1998 indicated that chronically depressed individuals were 70% more likely to have a heart attack when compared with their non-depressed counterparts (Mind/Body Health, 1996b). In addition, individuals who were depressed cost managed care companies twice as much in medical expenses as individuals who were not depressed (Mind/Body Health, 1996b).

Highly anxious individuals exhibited greater thickening of the arterial walls and were more often in need of repeated angioplasty compared to those who were less anxious. In the mid-1990’s it was estimated that anxiety-related disorders cost $15 billion annually in direct service costs–such as medical, administrative, research, and support services; and $50 billion in indirect costs–such as lost or reduced productivity, family care giving, illness, and death (Mind/Body Health, 1997).

Chronically angry individuals were found to have an increased risk of heart attack and death. In fact, these individuals were four to five times more likely to die from a heart attack compared to those who experienced significantly less anger (Williams and Williams, 1993).

Finally, individuals experiencing elevated levels of stress had greater arterial blockage when compared to individuals experiencing less stress. Researchers concluded that it was not the specific situation that was stressful, but it was the meaning of the situation to the individual that determined the amount of stress experienced by each individual (Hope Health Letter, 1998).
Rationale

The data reported in the mid-1990’s linking emotional distress to physical ailments–heart disease in particular–spawned the research during the years 2000 to 2010. The impact of humor was investigated further because of its apparent and reported impact on the emotional state of individuals. Since this research clearly linked distressing emotions with increased risk for heart disease and premature death, researchers hypothesized that a lifestyle that lowers distressing emotions could potentially lower these health risks and reduce premature mortality.

Anecdotal evidence has long supported the proposition that distressing emotions and humor cannot occupy the same psychological space (Sultanoff, 1997). Depressed individuals report that when they laugh their depression dissolves. Individuals who tend to be anxious frequently report that experiencing humor is a way to better cope and reduce anxiety.

Most of us have experienced situations where we have been angry in a particular situation, and that another person has attempted to use humor to reduce our anger. As we receive the humor, our anger usually dissipates. Sometimes we are not ready to “let go” of our anger and therefore–when in this angry state react to humor with a comment such as, “Don’t make me laugh; I still want to be angry.”
Conclusions

Based on these reports that humor reduces emotional discomfort, researchers proposed that a humorous lifestyle increases an individual’s ability to more effectively manage emotional distress—therefore reducing the damaging physical impact of these potentially harmful emotions.

The results of the research reported in 2010 indicate that a humorous approach to daily life creates healthful changes in cognitive (perspective to the world), emotional, and physiological states. It is these changes that researchers believe lead to improved physical health–particularly related to heart disease. Researchers further concluded that individuals who incorporate a humorous lifestyle into their daily lives are more likely to improve their overall physical and emotional health, thus maintaining optimal wellness.

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Important Facts to Remember

1) Death is the number 1 Killer in the world
2) Life is sexually transmitted
3) Good health is the slowest possible rate at which on can die
4) Give a person a fish and you can feed them for a day. Teach a person how to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks or maybe even months.
5) Health enthusiasts are going to feel foolish one day, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
6) All of us could use a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism
7) In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prosaic to make it normal
8) Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last long.