Dating Again -

Just Let It Go……..

BN Staff: Ran across this story, and it simply resonated. How many times have we been told we can catch more with honey than vinegar? Or all the management strategies that encourage leaders to accentuate the positive skills of the staff rather than trying to mold each member into a duplicate of themselves. This writer believes we can better our relationships by letting go of the caustic issues and focusing on the alluring, complementary characteristics and actions of your spouse. We must agree life gets easier when we aren’t stressing over the issues.

Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel

Put Your Problems Aside

If you’re reading about how to save your marriage, you’re probably expecting to learn problem-solving strategies, communication techniques, and insights about gender differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!

The key to renewing your marriage is NONE of those things.

How do I know this? Because I experienced it!

Unlike other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective, for me saving and restoring marriages is also very personal. I’ve been where you are now. I’d like to share with you my story.

My wife and I started out deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.

But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.

Understandably, my wife became depressed. I coped by immersing myself in work. We ran from each other emotionally.

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Maybe you can’t put your finger on it, but something is definitely not right. That’s common too.

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.

Somewhere deep in our hearts though, like you we knew we didn’t want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn’t. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn’t. We went through different stages of “trying.”

What did we try?

We tried the obligatory, “Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly.” We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to wrestle with our problems. But guess what? Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

All the advice (books, counselors, whatever) asked us to confront our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.

As long as the “right” way wasn’t working, why not be dysfunctional? So we tried to convince each other of our way. You’ve tried that too, right? Obviously, that doesn’t work.

Then we had a breakthrough.

We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We didn’t talk about them at all. We didn’t bring them up even once. Instead, we put our energy into trying to connect. We used certain relationship techniques that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences; we fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive energy to our marriage.

This is the solution to most marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and spend your time and energy doing specific relationship building activities.

It’s counter-intuitive, but if you do this, most of your problems will dissipate, the threat of divorce will go away, and the other people invading your marriage will become irrelevant. Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with your spouse. And this is doable even in the most difficult marital situations. If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about the affair, the attention you’re not getting, or whatever. If your timing is off, trying to solve your problems will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you’ll ever find resolution.

It’s not about conflict-resolution or communication skills because these are NOT the key to saving a marriage. The key is NOT to fix what’s wrong. The key is to make new things right.

And there are, in fact, specific things you can do, with or without your spouse, to make things right in your marriage. Temporarily put aside the problems and issues that are weighing you down and make it possible for you to establish a new momentum in your marriage. It works for any marriage even if only one spouse does participates. And the best news is that you don’t have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling; it’s Marriage Fitness.

Does Size Matter? What Women Say

t’s surely no revelation to say that men and women often view issues of sexuality in different ways. Consider, for instance, the maxim that “size matters.” This cliche has endured for many years, but is it true that women are fixated on the dimensions of the male organ? Or is that something that men worry about needlessly? Similarly, are women concerned about the extent of other things — such as waistlines and bank accounts?

The Size Down Below

For starters, the average Penis size worldwide is approximately 5.5 inches, a statistic that may come as a consolation to many guys. Even more of a relief, however, is that women are actually much less focused on this particular measurement than most men believe. In fact, opinion surveys have indicated that as many as four out of five women value the quality of intercourse more than the size of the organ. Women desire men who know how to pleasure them — no matter how large or small his instrument for doing so might be. It’s your golf swing that counts and not the size of your clubs.

Men sometimes worry about the size of their genitalia because they suffer from other self-esteem issues. The trick, then, is to be proud of what you’ve got. If you have confidence in yourself when you’re in the bedroom — or if you can at least fake that confidence convincingly — you’ll be able to set the proper mood. From there, nature will work its magic.

Muscles to the Max? Or Lean and Mean? Perhaps Pleasingly Plump?

Physical attraction, of course, also involves the rest of the body. So what are women looking for in the total package? New research continues to offer surprising results. That is, chiseled features are not necessarily what most women go for — despite the long-held societal conviction that muscular, testosterone-infused appearances always reign supreme. To the contrary, when most women observe male faces and bodies in clinical sex studies, they’re liable to react enthusiastically to leanness.

Obviously, it’s important not to make sweeping generalizations. Sex appeal is highly personal and idiosyncratic, after all, no single look entices all females. Indeed, many women prefer fleshier faces and thicker stomachs. As with the member, the secret here is to feel good about yourself and the way you look. Have faith that someone out there will find you to be precisely her type. And if you keep presenting yourself to women with friendliness and self-assurance, you’re bound to locate that person soon enough.

Cash Never Hurts

When people think about dating and marriage, the issue of money frequently springs to mind. Many women are attracted to men with sufficient funds because those men can guarantee a certain level of security. Clipping coupons obsessively is not conducive to romance, and it’s difficult for any woman to imagine a happy future with a man if all she can envision is financial turmoil.

For that reason alone, it’s important to hold a job that pays you a comfortable salary. And remember that it’s never too late to go back to school to train for a new position; online learning can make a later-in-life education especially convenient and affordable.

Wise investment planning is also a must. Who wants to run out of money and start counting pennies during the golden years? If you haven’t already, schedule a meeting with a reputable financial adviser to determine how you can effectively diversify your portfolio and maximize your assets.

On the other end of the spectrum, some affluent men fear that women only like them because of their money. However, this idea is highly flawed. Even if your partner first took interest in you because of your prosperity, if your relationship with her has endured, it’s almost certainly because she’s come to adore you as a person. Despite what cynical individuals believe, there are actually few women who would marry a guy simply because of his wealth. Think about it this way: You might notice a woman because of the way she looks, but you probably wouldn’t want to stay with her unless you appreciated her personality and companionship.

The Size of Your Heart

There’s one more size-related issue to discuss within the context of love: how big of a heart you have. To enjoy a thriving relationship, it’s crucial that you genuinely care about your significant other. In your daily life, consider her feelings, value her opinions, talk to her about her interests and her aspirations, and continually devise ways of surprising her. Give her breakfast in bed on a rainy morning, for example, or take her out for a Sunday afternoon picnic on the spur of the moment. If you’re authentically attentive and affectionate, she’ll fall for you over and over again.

Igniting a Romance When You’re Past 40

parking a romance with your partner when you’re over 40 can be daunting. Whether your spouse is many years your junior, forty-something, or much older, she will have certain needs. She will desire ongoing attention, occasional romantic gestures, stimulating conversations, shared interests, exciting adventures, and much more. The question becomes how to meet her needs without exhausting yourself, including using your middle-aged imagination to surprise her. Getting stuck in a rut for too long is sure to kill any romantic feelings she currently holds for you.

For many women, the primary concern is the emotional connection with her male partner. The physical and platonic connections of your marriage are also important, but a woman needs to feel you love her unconditionally and deeply care about the quality of the relationship. If you’re always keeping that in mind, you’re ready to ignite a romance after age 40. First, decide if you’re ready and willing to attend to her diverse needs and make concerted efforts in the romance department. She deserves to feel special and wanted. What’s more, you must love something about her, or you probably wouldn’t be with her.

Laying the Foundation
All of the romantic gestures in the world won’t matter if you’ve hit your forties and let yourself go. A woman can feel more excited about her romantic connection with you when you maintain your appearance and a reasonably current wardrobe. She could easily tire of a man who sits on the couch most nights, watches sports and other TV programs, and consumes potato chips like there’s going to be a potato famine. If you’ve been married for a while, your spouse knows your personal habits, and she will notice if you make small changes to improve your attractiveness. It might be time to go back to the gym or start taking walks with your wife after dinner.

Planning Special Dates
At least once a month, plan to take your wife out on the town and spoil her. Give her a reason to buy a new evening dress, a pair of pumps or sexy sandals, and a clutch purse. Make her want to get her hair styled differently and keep her pedicure appointment. She should be as excited about special nights out with you as she was when you were first dating. Only now she knows what to expect, conversation can be more relaxed, and there’s time to start planning your golden years. If you’ve been together for many years, her preferences for going out may have changed. Hopefully, you can find a way to ask her without coming off as a cad.

Preparing for Alone Time
Typical nights at home and special evenings out on the town are both opportunities for concluding your time together with intimate moments. Only you know what your wife likes in this department, and you must take time to set the mood. It could be time to stock up on candles and scented oil, order her favorite Belgian chocolates, or schedule a couples massage. If your spouse likes to talk for three hours before cuddling up in bed or asks you to heat up the Jacuzzi earlier in the day, you must follow through on these simple requests. Don’t expect her to jump right to the hanky-panky without any efforts on your part. If your wife puts a time limit on you intimate time, it could mean you should reschedule. She may have pressing obligations looming the next day that make it difficult to focus on romance.

Scheduling Separate Activities
As much as you want to spend every free moment with your wife, she is also getting older and discovering new interests she didn’t have much time for when she was establishing herself in a career and perhaps raising kids. Talk with her about which days of the week you both will pursue your separate friends and activities. Time away from each other makes the time you spend together more precious and gives her a wider social network. Monopolizing your wife’s time, no matter how physically and emotionally connected you feel, could eventually make her feel smothered. She cannot give up her self-identity to stay married to you.

Showing Her Affection
The most important thing you can remember is to show your wife frequent, physical affection. It’s easy to keep expecting she will always do your laundry and make your bed. She might love to cook and clean and maintain the home. She doesn’t owe you these things until death do you part. There would be less to do if she lived alone. Hold her hand, give her affectionate pats on the shoulder, smile at her often, rub her feet and her sore back, cuddle with her in bed, and show affection in other ways she prefers. If you let the frequency of such romantic gestures decrease over time, she will begin to wonder where the romance has gone. The only way this is acceptable is if it is what she wants. Only you can determine if your wife is naturally less inclined to show or receive affection.

In the end, you are laying the foundation for your golden years together. Middle age is a time when many people change dramatically and discover they want and need different things from their spouses. Middle age is also a time when some marriages fall apart because couples lose their romance and stop pursuing shared interests. Make the time and follow through on what you promise your wife. Leave her with no doubt about how much you love being her husband.

7 Things to Motivate You to Get Off the Couch

e gentlemen of a certain age can probably think up thousands of excuses to get out of exercising. Some of my favorite examples are as follows:

“I’m swamped with work.”

“I try to eat healthy foods; isn’t that enough?”

“I’m happily married, and I don’t need to impress my spouse by trying to look like Mr. Universe.”

“As long as I have enough energy to get around the golf course, I’ll be happy.”

All of those points may be true. However, it’s a mistake to view exercise as merely an extra chore, something in your schedule that interferes with your leisure. Instead, exercise is a rejuvenating practice that can benefit just about every aspect of your life. And once you’re accustomed to working out at least a few times each week, you’ll probably feel uneasy and restless whenever you miss a fitness session.

With that in mind, below are seven specific reasons to spend less time loafing in the living room and more time feeling the burn.

1. Keep Your Balance
A person’s sense of balance tends to worsen as he or she grows older. Balance issues, which are often caused by inner ear problems, manifest themselves in various ways. You might suddenly feel dizzy for no apparent reason. You could stagger and stumble when you’re ascending or descending stairs. You might tumble forward when you attempt to tie your shoes. Such incidents are often frightening, and worse still, they can lead to serious injuries. However, exercises in which you stand on one leg, repeatedly bend over, or move rapidly will improve your body’s ability to steady itself.

2. Flex Those Arteries
Arteries often begin to stiffen when a person reaches middle age. Cholesterol and smoking can also harden those blood vessels. And your risk of cardiovascular disease increases with stiff arteries. However, by exercising on a routine basis, you can keep your arteries much suppler.

3. Strong Bones
Bones often thin over time, and thin bones are more susceptible to fractures. However, exercise can strengthen our skeletons. Now, we don’t always think of bones as being alive — we sometimes think of them as objects — but they’re comprised of living tissue just as our muscles are. Therefore, bones respond to physical activity, and regular workouts increase bone mass. The best exercises for bones are those requiring you to fight gravity: Climbing stairs and hiking uphill are two examples.

4. Feel More Joyful
Scientific evidence has repeatedly linked exercise and psychological health. Working out can help ward off depression, reduce rates of stress, increase levels of self-esteem and confidence, and make people more cheerful in general. And when a guy who starts exercising becomes a happier individual, it can come as a relief to everyone around him: his family, his coworkers, and especially his poker buddies.

Why does exercise boost mental health in such ways? When the body works out, it releases endorphins, chemicals that tell the brain’s receptors to decrease sensations of negativity and pain. Thus, exercising can feel similar to receiving a shot of morphine.

5. Say Farewell to Stomach Fat
As years pass, it gets more difficult to keep abdominal fat in check. You might even be resigned to your belly flab by now. But by taking up physical activities, you can take a powerful stand against that pooch. Moreover, as your girth decreases, your body produces less fatty acid. Consequently, your harmful cholesterol level goes down, and your chances of acquiring diabetes and a host of other serious ailments lessen. It’s quite a favorable chain reaction. Plus, you won’t have to suck in your gut in wedding photos.

6. Less Joint Pain
Joints frequently weaken over time, and the lingering effects of joint injuries can torment a person. Additionally, arthritis — a chronic inflammation of the joints — and other joint-related maladies can result in considerable discomfort over the long haul.

Some people who suffer from joint pain try to avoid exercise altogether, believing that it could intensify their aching. In most cases, however, the opposite is actually true. When you exercise, you build up the muscles that surround the joints, and that functions to stabilize them. A more stable joint has a greater range of motion. On top of that, exercise maximizes the body’s tolerance for pain, which means that it takes more intense pain for you to start feeling uncomfortable.

Note that riding bikes and swimming are two of the most effective exercises for people suffering from joint pain. That’s because these activities don’t strain the joints.

7. Fight Dementia
In 2006, the Group Health Research Institute (GHRI), an institution headquartered in Seattle, released the results of a study on exercise and dementia. The GHRI said that increasing your physical activity could lower your risk of getting Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia by up to 40 percent. In fact, this study concluded that three 15-minute workout sessions each week — a modest amount of exercise for sure — could have a positive and long-term impact on the brain. That’s certainly something for us to consider the next time we’re lying on the couch with a bag of nachos in our hands.

10 Places to Go When You are Over 40

e’ve all seen the guy at the bar or club who’s significantly older than everyone else, and none of us want to be him. If you’re 40 or older, though, you’re approaching the danger zone. In addition to sticking out like a sore – and rather pathetic – thumb, hanging out places where everyone’s at least a decade younger than you isn’t the best way to meet new, like-minded people. Young women are cute, but making real connections with them is pretty unlikely. So, where should older guys go to find decent company? There are all kinds of options, but you need to start thinking outside the bar.

1. Bookstores
I know what you’re thinking: What bookstores? Sure, they’re going the way of the do-do, but they’re still out there if you’re willing to look. In order to stay relevant, many host book club meet-ups and other events. Local libraries are good for that kind of thing too. Even if you’re not a bookworm, start scouting out opportunities like these. They tend to attract older, educated types, so they’re perfect for mature men who want to make real connections with others.

2. Bowling Alleys
The days of the dingy, smoke-filled bowling alley are rapidly fading. In most metro areas, classier options are replacing them. There are even bowling alleys that have cigar smoking rooms, martini bars, upscale events and other exciting features. Whether you show up for open bowling time or join a league, this is a great way to have fun, enjoy a few drinks and socialize with people around your own age.

3. Dog Parks
This one only applies if you have a dog, obviously. It’s a bit of a cliché, but dog parks really are great places to meet new people. People of all ages own dogs, so you’re sure to run into a mix of folks. People ostensibly go to dog parks to let their dogs enjoy the great outdoors, but many have ulterior motives. It’s practically expected that dogs’ owners will interact with one another, so don’t feel self-conscious about it. Just get out there and see how it goes!

4. Online Dating Sites
The stigma that used to be attached to online dating is long gone. It’s now a perfectly acceptable way to meet people, and it doesn’t matter how old you are. Certain sites are friendlier to older folks than others, so do a little research. You don’t even have to go into it with expectations of any kind. Just make meeting new people your top priority. If nothing else, you’ll get to go out and have a nice time a few times per month.

5. Gyms
The best way to meet new people at the gym is by going at the same time every day. You’ll start noticing and gradually getting to know other regulars. Another option is to sign up for classes at the gym. Whether you try Pilates, yoga, kickboxing or some other activity, there are sure to be others around your age who you can get to know.

6. Golf Courses
This one is something of a no-brainer for many older men, who often spend tons of time hitting the links. More women are getting into golf than ever, though, so this is a nice option to consider. Nicer golf courses have clubhouses with bars too, and the younger crowd tends to steer clear of those kinds of places.

7. Sporting Events
If you’re a sports fan, no one would probably have to twist your arm to convince you to buy season tickets for your favorite team. In addition to getting to enjoy home games regularly, this could put you in touch with other season ticket holders, who generally tend to be older people. After spending a decent amount on season tickets, you’ll feel obligated to attend as many games as possible too, so you’ll be out and about more.

8. Meet-Up Groups
It’s easy to feel alone when you’re a guy over 40 looking for new friends or love interests, but that’s not the case at all. Plenty of others are in the same boat as you, and many sign up for meet-up groups to find one another. The nice thing about this is that meet-up groups are usually geared toward specific age ranges, so you should be able to find one that caters to people around your age. These groups typically participate in a few events each month, and everyone who’s there is interested in meeting others, so the pressure’s off to a certain degree.

9. Classes
You don’t have to go back to college to meet people around your age, but it never hurts to hone your skills while rubbing shoulders with like-minded individuals. Community colleges and rec centers often offer classes covering a variety of interesting topics. Whether you’d like to try your hand at woodworking or want to learn more about photography, such classes will help you acquire new skills and give you the opportunity to meet new people. It’s a win-win situation!

10. Bars
Okay, we initially suggested that bars are off the table for older men who want to meet friends and significant others. That’s not strictly true. The trick is finding bars that cater to older, more distinguished clientele. There are sure to be at least a few in your area. A good way to find out is by checking with bartenders at any establishment. They all tend to know one another and are usually familiar with other bars. Just ask if they know of bars that tend to attract older people, and you’re sure to get at least a few suggestions.

There you have it! You don’t have to hole yourself up in your house after you’re over the hill. You have options. One is to be the guy who is conspicuously older than everyone else, which his otherwise known as “the creepy old dude.” The other is to check out the places listed above to find people who have more in common with you. More than anything, the most important thing is to keep putting yourself out there. That’s how great things happen!