Back 9 Team - - Page 4

Just Let It Go……..

BN Staff: Ran across this story, and it simply resonated. How many times have we been told we can catch more with honey than vinegar? Or all the management strategies that encourage leaders to accentuate the positive skills of the staff rather than trying to mold each member into a duplicate of themselves. This writer believes we can better our relationships by letting go of the caustic issues and focusing on the alluring, complementary characteristics and actions of your spouse. We must agree life gets easier when we aren’t stressing over the issues.

Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel

Put Your Problems Aside

If you’re reading about how to save your marriage, you’re probably expecting to learn problem-solving strategies, communication techniques, and insights about gender differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!

The key to renewing your marriage is NONE of those things.

How do I know this? Because I experienced it!

Unlike other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective, for me saving and restoring marriages is also very personal. I’ve been where you are now. I’d like to share with you my story.

My wife and I started out deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.

But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.

Understandably, my wife became depressed. I coped by immersing myself in work. We ran from each other emotionally.

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Maybe you can’t put your finger on it, but something is definitely not right. That’s common too.

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.

Somewhere deep in our hearts though, like you we knew we didn’t want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn’t. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn’t. We went through different stages of “trying.”

What did we try?

We tried the obligatory, “Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly.” We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to wrestle with our problems. But guess what? Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

All the advice (books, counselors, whatever) asked us to confront our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.

As long as the “right” way wasn’t working, why not be dysfunctional? So we tried to convince each other of our way. You’ve tried that too, right? Obviously, that doesn’t work.

Then we had a breakthrough.

We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We didn’t talk about them at all. We didn’t bring them up even once. Instead, we put our energy into trying to connect. We used certain relationship techniques that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences; we fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive energy to our marriage.

This is the solution to most marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and spend your time and energy doing specific relationship building activities.

It’s counter-intuitive, but if you do this, most of your problems will dissipate, the threat of divorce will go away, and the other people invading your marriage will become irrelevant. Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with your spouse. And this is doable even in the most difficult marital situations. If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about the affair, the attention you’re not getting, or whatever. If your timing is off, trying to solve your problems will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you’ll ever find resolution.

It’s not about conflict-resolution or communication skills because these are NOT the key to saving a marriage. The key is NOT to fix what’s wrong. The key is to make new things right.

And there are, in fact, specific things you can do, with or without your spouse, to make things right in your marriage. Temporarily put aside the problems and issues that are weighing you down and make it possible for you to establish a new momentum in your marriage. It works for any marriage even if only one spouse does participates. And the best news is that you don’t have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling; it’s Marriage Fitness.

How Do I Start an IRA When My Work Doesn’t Offer Any Retirement 401K?

ummary – This article provides good direction from which to get started on the path to securing finances for the future and mitigating a stressful retirement, elected or otherwise. We recommend seeking financial guidance from multiple sources before you select one investment strategy. Remember everyone has an opinion and few people will tell you their strategy was poor but the more questions you ask the quicker you will become informed!

You are working for someone who does not provide you with a retirement account, so you are thinking of starting your own. You are fortunate because this is really easy to do. The type of account you will need to open is an Individual Retirement Account that is also known as an “IRA.” These accounts are advantageous for saving for retirement because they provide investors with tax benefits that help their money grow.

Where to Open an Account

You can open either a Roth IRA or a Traditional IRA in a financial institution that received permission from the IRS to offer these accounts to the public. Your bank is a good choice, but you can also visit a federally-insured credit union, a mutual fund company, a savings and loan corporation or a brokerage firm.

Investment institutions charge fees for their services. Therefore, before you decide on a firm, make sure that you compare fees from several institutions first. An example of a discount firm is E*Trade Financial Corporation. Vanguard, Fidelity and T. Rowe Price sell “no-load” funds and do not charge fees.

How to Open an Account

After choosing the right financial institution, all you need to do is tell them you would like to open an IRA. Some firms will ask you to deposit a minimum of $3,000 into the account. In other instances, rather than offer a large deposit, you can make arrangements to automatically withdraw a set amount of money each month. The sum could be as low as $100. If the firm you are interested in has a website, you may be able to open an account online.

Documents Associated with the IRA

After your account is open, your financial institution must present you with an IRA disclosure statement that informs you of the account’s rules and regulations. This document will be written in easy-to-understand language. You will also receive the IRA adoption agreement and plan document. This paper explains things such as how contributions will be deducted and your rights as the accountholder. Your IRA will be valid only after you have signed this contract.

Which IRA is right for you?

The Roth IRA

The Roth IRA is the best option for long-term investing. If you are in your 40s and planning to retire in your 70s, you will have time to make this opportunity work, and you will receive tax benefits. Money invested in a Roth IRA is after-tax dollars, so in 30 years when you withdraw the money, you will not have to pay income taxes again.

To make your Roth IRA work for you, you will need to make monthly contributions. If you were to deposit just one $1,000 contribution into your account, it would not contain very much money after 30 years. In contrast, you would only need to commit to depositing $600 a year to turn your initial investment into more than $50,000 at an average annual yield of 6 percent.

Who Can Open a Roth IRA?

The Roth IRA has income limitations, so you will only be able to open this type of account under these circumstances:

You are married and filing jointly with a modified adjusted gross income less than $167,000
You are single, married and filing separately or head of household with a modified adjusted gross income less than $105,000
You are living with your spouse part-time, filing separately and earn less than $10,000

The Traditional IRA

To open a traditional IRA, you must be under 70½ years of age, and you must be employed. You will deposit pre-tax dollars into your traditional IRA, but you will be required to pay income taxes when you begin to withdraw the money. The good news is that you may be in a lower tax bracket by the time you retire. You can make tax-free contributions into the account until this day arrives, and they may even be tax-deductible. This helps your money to grow at a much faster rate.

The traditional IRA is particularly beneficial to you if you are at least 50 years of age because you are allowed to make “catch-up” contributions. Ordinarily, investors are limited to making contributions of $5,500 per year. Those who meet the age requirement can invest an extra $1,000 this year.

Where Do You Invest Your Funds?

Now that you have chosen your account, you are ready to decide where you want to invest your money. You have several options, including money market funds, mutual funds, CDs, exchange-traded funds and stocks and bonds. You can also allow your broker to make the choice for you.

What If You Don’t Have Any Retirement Savings?

If you have neglected your retirement until today, you are not alone. The best thing you can do is accept the fact that you didn’t make retirement savings a priority earlier and pledge to do things differently from this day on. This means that it isn’t too late to open an IRA.

You may be concerned about where you can find the extra money to make monthly contributions, but this only requires that you look at your budget to find things you can eliminate. For example, if you are spending a lot of money on cigarettes, you can consider quitting. You only need to put in a little effort, and you will be on your way to a comfortable retirement.

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Sexless Marriage?

elp! I’m In A Sexless Marriage

Comment: Very interesting article. More importantly, we have heard this story more frequently from men as they get older and have been fortunate enough to have been engaged in longer term relationships. The author references Newsweek estimates of 15 to 20 percent of couples are in a sexless marriage. The Back Nine (TBN) Team Members believe the percentage is much greater. The challenge to keep her interested in a physical relationship is far greater than most men would like to admit. Enjoy the article and feel free to share your experiences and tactics used to keep her emotional connection charged and her sandbox clean.
Posted In Intimacy, Sexless Marriage / Bruce Muzik / WWW.LoveatFirstFight.com

Newsweek magazine estimates that 15 to 20 percent of couples are in a sexless marriage or relationship. If you are currently in a sexless marriage, I understand how sad or resigned you may feel.

My first marriage turned into a sexless marriage.

In the beginning, we’d dive into bed, hands passionately reaching for each other, excited to feel the warmth and closeness of each other’s naked body and loving touch. Within a year of being married, we were wearing pajamas and I was lying awake feeling like my wife may as well have been my sister and then falling asleep on my side of the bed feeling lonely inside.

At the time, I didn’t have the tools or understanding of relationship dynamics to do anything about our sexless marriage and eventually it led to me cheating on my wife (something I’m not proud to admit). Because our sexless marriage was the primary reason for our divorce, I never wanted to be in another sexless relationship and vowed to learn how to create and sustain sexual passion and chemistry. If anyone understands the importance of learning to create sexual chemistry instead of coping with a sexless marriage, I do.

The Real Reason Why You Have A Sexless Marriage…

When I coach a couple in a sexless marriage, they almost always say that they still love each other. Then, they say things like:

• “We work hard. We’re too tired for sex…”
• “We have no time for sex because of the kids…”
• “My partner is not as attractive as they used to be…”
• “Isn’t it normal for sexual passion to fade?”
• “I’m depressed…”

My job as a relationship coach is to dig deeper beneath the surface of their self-diagnosis and help them discover the REAL reason they are not having sex. More often than not, their sexual attraction dies for TWO reasons only:

1. Sexual Polarity has been lost
2. Emotional Intimacy has been lost

I hear you thinking, “But Bruce, my situation is different! My partner and I are experiencing (work related anxiety) or (clinical depression) or (a porn addiction) or (an affair) or (insert reason of your choice)…”
Sure, all these things are associated with lack of motivation to initiate sex, but I assert none of these cause a sexless marriage.
Let’s take a look at the real causes:

Sexual Polarity – The secret most people never know about sexual attraction

Sexual attraction is created by the the difference in sexual polarity between the two of you. To put that in plain English, just like a magnet has two poles (positive and negative), you have two sexual poles: masculine and feminine sexual energy. Your masculine energy is that part of you which strives for greater freedom and tries to achieve it through financial, creative, or political challenges. Words that describe it are: empty, present, purposeful. Your feminine energy is that part of you which yearns for deeper love and tries to find it in intimate relationship, family, or friends. Words that describe it are: full, bright, flowing, changing. If the masculine is the land, then the feminine is the ocean.

…and like a magnet’s opposite poles are attracted to each other, so sexual opposites attract each other (i.e. masculine energy is attracted to feminine energy).

Sexual Attraction is created by you expressing the opposite sexual energy to your partner.

The greater the difference between these two energies, the greater the sexual attraction between you. Sexual polarity can easily get lost when the two of you get caught up in your daily lives and forget to (or don’t know how to) consciously create polarity.
Here’s how to do it:

If you’re a feminine woman wanting to create sexual attraction with your man, you’ll need to temporarily let go of your internal masculine energy (so that your partner can hold that energy) and polarize yourself into your feminine sexual energy. For example, when my partner comes home from a hard day in the office running her web design business, she is still carrying a lot of masculine energy in her body and being. So, she may choose to take a long sensual bubble bath or she may go for a walk in nature to get back in touch with her feminine energy.

On the other hand, my work with couples requires that I access my feminine energy (empathy, compassion), so when I get home I may choose to do something aggressive like kitesurfing or weight lifting to get me back in touch with my masculine energy. This way, my partner and I stay sexually polarized and can consciously create our sexual attraction and turn on. I understand if you’re thinking that this sounds a little conceptual and woo-woo. This topic would require an entire book to do justice to, but for now take comfort in knowing that it is possible quickly learn practical relationship tools for consciously creating sexual polarity between you and your partner.

Emotional Intimacy – The key to feeling safe and sexy

The second most common reason couples lose their sexual attraction for each other is because they stop being emotionally intimate with each other. I loosely define Emotional Intimacy as “the experience of being intimately connected with your partner such that sharing your most tender, vulnerable emotions feels safe.” Remember the time when you cried on someone’s shoulder and they gently cradled you telling you that it would all be OK? That’s emotional intimacy.

You remember the time you shared your deepest, scariest secret with another, trusting that they would hold it as sacred and they just listened without judgement? That’s emotional intimacy? Sexual attraction naturally grows inside emotionally safe and intimate relationships…
…and because Emotional intimacy is directly linked to you experiencing safety in your relationship, when you stop sharing tender, vulnerable feelings honestly with each other, you don’t feel turned on. Over time this feeling becomes “the way it is” and before you know it, you’re in a sexless marriage.

The TWO most common reasons I find that clients stop initiating sex are:

Hurt:
You feel like your partner has wronged or betrayed you and you are carrying hurt or resentment. Unless you actively work to heal your hurt with your partner and work through your feelings of betrayal and resentment, emotional intimacy will be lost, your TRUST bank account will go overdrawn, and your sex life will suffer a terrible blow.

Withholds:
One of you is withholding a communication from the other. This secret may be something you’ve said, done felt or thought and you’re not telling your partner about it. Withholds will destroy your relationship faster than anything I know of. They act like a virus, infecting our relationship with lies and forcing us to present ourselves as something that we are not. Withholds are the biggest, most dangerous threat to emotional intimacy and to your ability to feel ALIVE in your relationship and left unchecked will quietly suck the life out of your relationship and sex life.

How losing Sexual Polarity and Emotional Intimacy created my sexless marriage

When my first wife and I met, we knew nothing of sexual polarity, so when the romance stage of our relationship ended and we entered the Power Struggle stage, the first thing casualty was our sexual polarity and attraction. Because we had never learned how to fight in a way that creates deeper intimacy, we survived our conflicts by repressing out real feelings.

Before long our sexual polarity had disappeared and we felt more like brother and sister than lovers. I remember cuddling my first wife at night thinking to myself how much I loved her, but feeling zero desire to initiate sex, not knowing why. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t seem to trick my mind and body into wanting to express my love sexually with her.

That’s because Sexual Attraction is NOT a choice – it’s an automatic and totally unconscious reaction.

A few years later, while travelling on business, I met a woman I felt huge sexual attraction for. We had a one night stand and before long, one night stands became the way I felt desired and affirmed as a man. My wife had made it really clear that if I ever cheated on her, she would leave, so I withheld my cheating from her in order to not lose her – the woman I loved. My withhold killed our emotional intimacy. I was lying to my wife and hated myself for doing so.

Eventually, I owned up to her and we got divorced. A week later, she met the man of her dreams and 18 months later, I met someone and fell in love again. Had my ex-wife and I known how to create sexual polarity and sustain emotional intimacy, I suspect we’d have a very different story to tell.

Ignorance is bliss?

The bad news is that until you address the root cause of your sexless marriage or sexless relationship, it’s not going to magically become a passionate one filled with excitement, love and orgasmic bliss. What is more likely to happen is that you’ll get used to it and begin justifying why not having “to-die-for sex” regularly is OK and normal. If you’re doing this already, get support from a professional. Don’t wait. Alternatively, you’ll tolerate a sexless marriage until one of you can’t anymore and leaves of has an affair. You don’t have to tolerate a sexless marriage. You can have a fulfilling sex life, no matter how bad it currently seems.

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Why Do I Score So Low on the Attractiveness Scale for Women My Own Age?

omen in the prime of life know exactly what they want in men. They have kissed their share of toads and danced with enough handsome princes to understand the rules of the game and the goals that truly matter. They have a keen sense of the man underneath the façade that men put on for the sake of making a good impression.

On Skin-deep Good Looks

Women at any age appreciate men who are easy on the eyes. What constitutes good-looking, however, depends on the eyes of the beholder. Physical attributes such as height, weight and proportion still matter, but the esoteric concepts of charisma and sex appeal become important considerations.

It is important for men to look good on the surface because this is the first filter that the world encounters about you. However, looking good in this sense has more to do with good grooming and consistently taking care of yourself and less to do with extreme measures such as cosmetic surgical interventions. While genes play a part in defining your physical attributes, hard work and diligence are equally important when it comes to the maintenance and enhancement of these parts that nature has so generously endowed.

About Physical Conditioning

The human body is a precisely engineered and highly efficient machine, but it requires scheduled maintenance activities, occasional pampering and regular check-ups for optimum performance and longevity. Women understand this concept really well as evidenced by all time they spend in salons, spas and fitness centers.

The truth is men in the peak of health at any age are attractive on so many levels. When you look good, you also feel good about yourself, and it shows through as self-esteem. Men who take care of themselves exude the confidence of a consistent ace player.

Good health attracts good vibes. Women like to know that men can play the stereotypical role of strong and dependable character when the need arises even if women are quite capable of taking on the world without a bodyguard.

Good Grooming and Healthy Habits

When it comes to developing an appealing persona, the devil is in the little details. Are you conscious of the dirt under your fingernails? Do you diligently trim wayward hair growth in strange places? Are you making an effort to control sporadic or chronic halitosis? Does your dental health belie your lack of dental insurance?

These details may seem too trivial to a man like you with so much to offer the world, but their presence may be indicative of inattentiveness, which is not a good portent for a romantic or platonic relationship. The casually unkempt style that younger men aspire to may send the wrong message to the career women you are after: You are someone trying too hard to be hip and cool, or you are on the brink of homelessness.

On the opposite of the end of the spectrum, a compulsion to look perfectly put together all the time can be off-putting for mature women. Taken too far, grooming habits and personal affectations that indicate narcissism will have women running in the opposite direction because high-maintenance males are often seen as shallow and lacking depth.

Develop a Few Good Lines

Pick up lines are for frat boys. Men who have made it to the top of the mountain should know enough about the world to sustain a good conversation. Develop a healthy interest in current events, or at least, have a passion for a few topics that would help to hold up your end of a dinner discussion.

In the age of the Internet and smartphones, there is very little excuse to remain uninformed about trending topics. It pays to have a working knowledge of topics that interest modern women. It pays even more if you know when to stop talking and start paying attention to the fact that, along with their knowledge of Blahniks and Birkins, women can talk about arbitrage and annuities as cogently as you can.

Financial Order and Disorder

Economic cycles notwithstanding, men of a certain age are expected to have their financial ducks in a row. This means more assets than liabilities, a stable career and a clear understanding of budgets, disposable incomes and retirement planning that does not involve the words Powerball and megaplier.

Some men mistakenly believe that fast cars and fatter wallets are babe magnets. Truth be told, an ostentatious display of one’s ability to spend can horrify rather than impress the kind of woman worth taking home to your mother. Women on an established career path with assets of their own see the mirage of material trappings as a debt trap.

Frugality has its own special appeal, but taking it too far can also be a deal breaker. It is perfectly fine to request a doggie bag for that left over T-bone steak, but stiffing the wait staff on the gratuity marks you as mean spirited and lacking compassion for the less fortunate.

The Intangibles

Attracting the right kind of woman requires tending to the intangibles. Social graces, sense of humor and enough street smarts to navigate life’s little twists and turns without a major meltdown are all crucial to exuding the kind of confidence that attracts self-possessed women. At this stage in the game of life, you control your destiny. Take stock of what you have to offer, and strategize your presentation of this package to your target audience.

My Blood Pressure is Creeping Up As I Get Older. What Can I do to Better Manage it and Still Enjoy Life?

ou might not be spending your Friday nights on the dance floor anymore, but there are plenty of other reasons to maintain good health to stay sprightly. Life does not end when you start running down the other side of the hill, but health problems do start to creep up as you age. One of the most common ailments for men over 40 is increased blood pressure. While it is normal for blood pressure to creep up as you get older, you do have to be proactive about keeping your blood pressure under control.

When To Seek Medical Advice

There are some symptoms of high blood pressure that can clue you in. Getting in tune with your body is not as easy as it seems, but jotting down a few notes about unusual symptoms that you are experiencing lets you notice any concerning patterns.

Here are some of the most common symptoms of high blood pressure that you can pinpoint by writing yourself notes about your health.

• Frequent headaches

• Blurred vision

• Dizziness

• Pain in the chest

• Difficulty breathing

• Nausea

• Vomiting

These symptoms can be relate to a wide range of serious conditions, so it is important for you to consult with your medical provider if you are experiencing one of more of these symptoms.

The Importance of Health Screenings

How do you know for sure that you are suffering from high blood pressure? The symptoms listed above can give you a clue, but the only way to really know is by having a health screening. There are many reasons to get an annual checkup, and ensuring that your blood pressure is in line is just one of them.

High blood pressure does not always come with discernible symptoms. There are complications that can be experienced as a result of this health issue, so it is important for you to go to a doctor at least once each year to have your health assessed. Here are some of the more serious complications of high blood pressure.

• High blood pressure has been linked to a thickening in the arteries, and it is possible for people who have high blood pressure to have a heart attack if the condition is not properly treated.

• An increase in blood pressure may cause bulges in the blood vessels that can lead to an aneurysm. This is a life-threatening condition that is more likely to occur when blood pressure is unregulated.

• The heart works harder to pump blood when blood pressure is high. Since the heart is a muscle, having to work harder causes a thickening. Heart failure may result.

• Men who are over 40 often experience a loss of cognitive function that they believe is related to aging. However, high blood pressure may actually be to blame for loss of concentration or difficulty remembering.

• High blood pressure puts men at an increased risk for developing diabetes.

As you can see, there are many complications of high blood pressure that can lead to serious or even fatal conditions. Health screenings detect high blood pressure sooner to ensure that you are given the chance to get your blood pressure under control well before you experience one of these complications.

Tips For Managing Blood Pressure

Some people need medication to regulate blood pressure, so it is important for you to discuss your options with a medical provider. However, there are natural ways to reduce blood pressure that work for many people. Here are some tips for you to try at home before you go in for your annual appointment.

• Get rid of any extra weight that you are carrying around. Even if you have been used to being a healthy weight, the pounds start to sneak up on you after you hit 40. You might not be aware that you are carrying around 10 extra pounds, and being even a little overweight can cause a wide range of health problems.

• Engaging in at least 30 minutes of physical activity each day can significantly reduce your blood pressure. Many people find that losing excess weight and exercising regularly is a combination that works to regulate blood pressure without medication.

• Reduce your sodium intake. Unfortunately, this can be a difficult goal to achieve. Packaged foods are typically very high in sodium, so you will probably have to make some dietary changes to reduce sodium to an appropriate level.

• Limit your alcohol intake if you are used to having a drink each day. Red wine actually helps to lower blood pressure, but this benefit is only enjoyed if you stick with small amounts of this particular beverage. Excess alcohol consumption works to raise your blood pressure, so stick with having a drink other than a small glass of red wine only during special occasions.

• Smoking actually increases blood pressure for up to an hour after you smoke. While this rise is temporary, people who smoke frequently can experience a constant increase in blood pressure due to smoking. Quitting is the best option, and smoking cessation has many other health benefits that you should take advantage of as well.

• Stress is one factor leading to high blood pressure that may seem impossible to manage. While you have obligations that may stress you out, it is important for you to find a way to unwind for better overall health. Meditating, practicing yoga, exercising and getting a massage are all effective methods of managing stress.