“I Know You’re Having an Affair!”

• Back 9 Team
• 1969
• 0
• Her Point of View

I

magine this scenario: One day, your wife or girlfriend accuses you of having an affair. She sounds angry, pained, and certain. However, you’ve been completely faithful to her. Thus, you now feel hurt and frustrated, and perhaps you’re a little afraid of what’s going to happen next. And what could have caused your partner to lash out at you like this? Well, here’s one shocking possibility: Your significant other is leveling this accusation because she’s the one who’s been cheating.

That situation might sound far-fetched, but it’s somewhat common; both men and women occasionally rely on this ploy. Maybe your wife or girlfriend is only thinking about having an affair right now, or perhaps she’s involved in a physical liaison. Or she might be carrying on an emotional affair. An emotional affair is when two people spend as much time together as they can and even tell each other secrets that they keep from their spouses. But they don’t engage in sexual activity.

Now, if your significant other is cheating on you or planning to cheat on you, there are a few potential reasons why she’d accuse you of doing so. She might think that you won’t suspect her of an affair if she makes this charge against you first. Further, she could assume that you’ll spend so much energy defending yourself that you’ll be blind to the evidence of her infidelity.

Alternately, your partner might hope that you have in fact been unfaithful and that you’ll admit it. That way, her own cheating won’t bother her conscience as much. Indeed, if you were to later catch her with her lover, she could argue that she was merely seeking retribution. Or maybe she imagines that once you own up to an affair, she can suggest an open relationship — one in which you can both pursue romantic entanglements without feeling guilty.

Of course, if your partner wrongly contends that you’re having an affair, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s been unfaithful. Perhaps it’s an honest mistake. And if you immediately accuse her of cheating without any evidence, you might look even more suspicious. Therefore, the way that you handle yourself when she makes this charge is crucial.

First, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you’ll survive this ordeal no matter what happens. Above all, refrain from getting angry even if you feel that you have every right to be furious. Also, don’t come across as overly defensive, and don’t protest too vehemently. In short, summon all of the self-restraint that you can.

Once your partner lets you speak, look her in the eyes and calmly tell her that you’re not cheating on her and never have. Ask her the all-important question next: “Why do you think that I’m having an affair?” If she provides you with a list of evidence, explain away those items in a reassuring and confident manner. For example, maybe she overheard your phone call the previous evening — an innocent conversation that you were having with a female colleague — and she got the wrong impression. Perhaps she saw you having lunch with a strange woman at a downtown cafe, and it turns out that you were conducting an out-of-the-office job interview.

If your girlfriend or wife was genuinely concerned that you were seeing someone else, she’s likely to feel relieved at this point as well as ashamed about the claims that she made. You might want to comfort her, or you might want to express annoyance since she called your integrity into question. Just don’t stay mad for too long. After all, if she didn’t care so much about you, the notion of your cheating on her wouldn’t upset her so much.

However, it’s conceivable that your partner has no rational explanation for saying that you’ve been untrue. In that case, it’s likely that she’ll be surprised by your controlled demeanor and your request for clarification; she was probably expecting you to fly into a rage or an incoherent fit of denials. Moreover, realizing that her attempts at manipulation have failed and that she’s been cornered, she might become more agitated. She could even launch into name-calling and personal attacks. When you’re able to get a word in, you should ask her in an even tone: “Are you accusing me of cheating because that’s what you’re doing?” Watch her reaction carefully. If she turns white or looks rattled, you may have just solved the mystery.

If you find yourself under these latter circumstances, it might be time to end the relationship. You don’t deserve to be with someone who’s capable of such duplicity or a person who’d accuse you of infidelity for no reason. Obviously, it can be scary to leave someone and to reenter the world of dating, but you should remind yourself that you’re worthy of respect and true love.